Body Image: Self-Love, Body Neutrality, and Acceptance
It is not uncommon for us to feel negatively about our bodies, our looks, and our personas. Many of us, especially those struggling with eating disorders, are overly self-critical and have a very hard time giving ourselves grace. Exacerbated by messages we receive about beauty and beauty standards from a young age, our self-hatred grows like a weed.
In recent years, the Body Positivity movement has gained lots of positive (and negative) attention as it continues to spread across social media. Encouraging and welcoming all body sizes, shapes, and colors, it seeks to invite more inclusivity and acceptance into the online world. While the basic goals of this movement are to promote kindness and compassion while eliminating hate and shame, oftentimes I find the movement to be a difficult and unrealistic approach to body image struggles. Instead of seeking some sort of middle ground between full-blown self-hatred and negative body image and undying love for our physicality, we draw toward the extremes. We neglect a more realistic and helpful approach to these issues, which is neutrality: the notion that something is neither good or bad, right or wrong, black or white. It’s a position of acknowledging what was, surrendering to what is, and accepting what will be, without bias or judgment.
Image credit to https://repeller.com/body-neutrality-movement/
When I first learned about body neutrality in treatment, I instantly loved the idea. Constantly drowning myself in self-hate and -loathing, I saw the concept of neutrality as a kind of peacemaker in my relationship with my body—something that could ease the pressure of what I was and what I was not. I didn’t have to love or hate my body; all I needed to do was learn to accept it in any given moment and move forward.
Eventually I may find love for my body, but I am whole-heartedly okay with the possibility that I may not. I would rather spend my whole life riding the wave of neutrality than feel constantly consumed by an on-and-off drought and flooding of hate and love. In this way, body neutrality is freeing because it allows one to let go of the expectation to be in love with or c0mpletely despise their body. In other words, it embraces the gray area.
Body neutrality is more than just an attitude of carelessness—it involves self-acceptance, mindfulness, rationality, and a level of indifference. Awareness is always the first step with anything, and such is the case with body neutrality. Observe the ways in which you label your appearance. Notice how you feel about it. Avoid going into the depths of why you might be feeling the way you do, as this often increases negative feelings and distracts from the facts. Simply be aware of your general attitude toward your body and what comes up for you personally.
Self-acceptance
When I say self-acceptance, I don’t mean that you have to be okay with how your body looks. Acceptance is not more than an act of receiving, meaning, resisting the need to change and accepting the present circumstances so that you can move forward.
If we never learn to accept what is how can we work toward what could be? In the case of body image struggles, if you are unhappy with how your body looks, self-acceptance allows you to relinquish the pressures of wanting to change yourself and understand that the situation at hand is out of your control. For example, when I first entered treatment, I knew that my body was not in a healthy place—not because of anything I had been told by others, but because of how I felt myself, which was chronically tired, fatigued, weak, faintish, confused, depressed, dissociated, depleted, and more. My physical symptoms associated with anorexia pointed me toward the fact that if I wanted to feel better physically, I would have to gain better overall health, which in my case meant restoring weight, muscle, cognitive functioning, etc. Even though, as someone with an eating disorder, I was constantly upset with my body, wanting and wishing to change it, I knew in my heart that I would have to accept that my body as it was so I could begin making efforts through recovery to rehabilitate it. However, if I had chosen to simply accept my depleting body that was on the verge of losing all ability to function, I risked the possibility of dying. So, in this case, it was important for me to first accept my body how it was and then make changes in order to heal. By accepting things as they were, I enabled myself to seek change when it was needed.
When in recovery though, self-acceptance is a road block you may have to encounter many times. At various periods throughout treatment (still during my recovery journey), I had to confront self-acceptance and adjust to how my body looked and felt as it was healing—which in my eyes didn’t always feel good. Sometimes acceptance is an everyday effort. Though I have spent months in recovery working on my ability to accept my body and move forward, I wake up day after day feeling like I have to start over and learn to accept myself again. Some days I can do it easily, others I struggle entirely and simply can’t. Acceptance is not a one-time deal. It takes consistent effort to do it, which can be really difficult. Breaking the cycle of self-criticism, perfectionism, and judgment takes time, but it is worth it, because it does get easier. Remember to have patience throughout the process, reminding yourself that some days will be harder than others. With acceptance comes grace.
Mindfulness
My wise and wonderful mother always tells her students that “to be mindful is to let go of the mind, to let go of thought altogether.” I think this is perfectly applicable to body image. The more we obsess over our image, over what we see in the mirror, the more critical, unhappy, and anxious we become. By focusing less and less on our bodies, we eliminate a lot of the criticism and unhappiness we have toward ourselves. Neutrality means focusing less on what we perceive as “good” or “bad” and more on what we know to be true. Mindfulness ties into this by keeping ourselves in check with how and when we think negatively or positively about our bodies. When you find yourself caught up in these kinds of thoughts, it’s helpful not to judge or suppress them. Instead, let them come and go as you do nothing more than observe them, not letting them affect your behavior, for a thought is powerless until it leads to a behavior. Again, doing so takes time and lots of effort, so don’t beat yourself up if you have a hard time managing your thoughts. As someone who has been dealing with obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) from a young age, I know firsthand how tricky this can be. I encourage you to participate in mindfulness activities that take you out of your head—even if only for a short time. Not only can this benefit struggles associated with body image, but mindfulness is also an incredible tool for anyone no matter their circumstances in life.
Rationality
It is also important to be rational when it comes to body image. This is one thing I think both the Body Positivity movement and diet culture have a hard time doing. Instead of looking at a situation realistically, they tend to glamorize or disparage it, acknowledging things they perceive as “good” or “bad” without sticking to the facts. Again, by avoiding the extremes and approaching a struggle regarding body image with rationality, you also avoid falling into rabbit holes of interpretation.
Perhaps one of the most useful skills I learned while in treatment is called “Observe the Facts,” which embraces this very idea. As a person who loves finding deeper meaning in things, but also firmly believes in science and logic, sticking to the facts helps me navigate difficult dilemmas in my life—especially ones surrounding body image.
Here’s an example: instead of me saying “I am ugly because of…” or “People think I am…,” I like to focus on the what I know to be true, real, and/or tangible; so I might say something like “I have freckles” or “I am white.” Or, instead of saying “I hate my legs because of…,” I could say “My legs allow me walk.” None of these statements include opinion or bias; therefore, they are things that I can learn to accept and move forward with.
Being rational does not suggest that you have to be emotionless or completely unopinionated. All it means is that when you are presented with a difficult situation, looking at the facts can help you understand what is worth stressing over, and what is not. Viewing our bodies as what they are instead of what we think they are allows us to remain neutral about them. This does not mean we can’t like or dislike things about ourselves—everyone is entitled to feel a certain way. But focusing on what our bodies do for us is much more important than wasting our attention on interpreting whether or not they are “ideal.”
Traditional beauty standards go against this very notion. They ask of us things that are unrealistic, unachievable, and unfair. We have been conditioned to believe that these standards are right, that they will gain us love and affection, that they are “healthy,” and more. In reality, they are none of these things, but many of us still cling to them. It’s hard to go against what is deemed “normal” and “right,” but I encourage you to find out what feels right to you, instead of following what others tell you is.
After noticing these things and accepting them, choosing to view them in a neutral or indifferent light helps me avoid self-deprecation. When I look in the mirror, instead of immediately pointing out all of my perceived flaws or obsessing over things I like about my body, I try my best to accept what I see and move on. Though it may sound slightly emotionless and almost callous, it serves the mind and well-being better than extreme self-love and -hate do—especially for those struggling with body dysmorphia and/or eating disorders.
A big part of body neutrality and recovery altogether is moving away from the physical self—our outward appearance—and toward the inner self, which is what matters most. Acknowledging the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ aspects of our personality allows us to be better people all around—to make good choices, to embrace our unique qualities, and to learn from our mistakes. As much as we may love or hate or feel confused about our feelings toward our bodies, it’s important to remember that bodies are all they really are. Shifting our focus onto what they do for us as opposed to what they look like helps us be more appreciative of ourselves and grateful that we have a body in the first place. In a nutshell, it helps us prioritize the important things over those that are temporary and largely unimportant in the grand scheme of life.
Although it is a very beneficial tool for our well-being and self-image, body neutrality is one of the hardest mindsets to practice because it asks us to give up control, which we all struggle with on some level. It is also challenging not to go about judging ourselves and others, placing people and things into categories of ‘good’ and ‘bad.’
Have grace for yourself as you implement a more neutral attitude toward your body into your life. Remember that many of us have been conditioned to believe that certain parts of us are insufficient, unworthy, and inadequate; so, it will probably take some time and intentionality to break away from these recurring thought patterns. The more you practice, the better you get. As I always say, the first step is awareness. Once you become aware of the way you view yourself, you can start making efforts to change your self-image—not necessarily in a physical way, but through a change of mind, attitude, and outlook.
With Love,
Brinn W.
“beauty alters the grain of reality...
pursuit of pure beauty is a trap, a fast track to bitterness and sorrow,
that beauty has to be wedded to something more meaningful...”
With Love,
Brinn W.
