Guilt & Food with Eating Disorders
Anyone who has (or has had) an eating disorder, or anyone who works with clients with EDs, knows that guilt plays a colossal role in the manifestation, sustenance, and struggle of these disorders. This guilt arises from a variety of things: food, restriction, purging, bingeing, hiding, lying, exercising, and more. At times, the guilt one feels regarding these things can be so strong and so overpowering that someone struggling with an ED might do practically anything to relieve themselves of it. Purging, abuse of exercise, and restriction are some examples of mechanisms people use to cope with guilt.
Image credit to @bradleybranson_ on Instagram
Oftentimes, this guilt transforms into shame, which—unlike guilt—is a feeling more permanent and long-lasting. For instance, in my disordered eating struggles, the guilt I have faced at one time manifested into personal shame associated with eating in front of others. Throughout my recovery, I have had to diligently reconstruct my ability to do this, including my capability to dine out, eat in public, go out to lunch with friends, and participate in family meals. My guilt arose after I ate; after I chose not to exercise, or when I felt that I didn’t exercise “enough;” after “giving in” to a craving or hunger cue; after breaking a “food rule” I held; and even after having thoughts and desires about food. Guilt became the motivator for me to engage in unhealthy behaviors, which temporarily relieved me of this burden. However, the real culprit—the shame I was feeling—was never treated properly, never confronted head-on; thus, my fear developed and became increasingly worse over time. With this fear, shame, and guilt, I experienced side effects of embarrassment, panic, and self-hate.
While in everyday life guilt can actually be a tool—like a sort of compass—that guides us to make good, honest, and moral decisions (ex: “Should I steal this? No.), in the mind of an eating disorder, guilt and shame are twisted and contorted in such a way that they arise precisely when they should not. This creates a dilemma in one’s head about one: whether or not they should even be feeling guilt; and two: whether this guilt is justified or not. Both questions are often answered by someone with an ED as “YES,” even though almost always the answer should be “NO.” This isn’t to say that there are certain emotions people “should” and “shouldn’t” have, rather that in a non-disordered situation, people with EDs shouldn’t have to be experiencing guilt about food or eating in the first place. But this statement is far easier said than believed and done.
I can only speak from my perspective as someone who deals with guilt and disordered eating, but it isn’t unusual for people without EDs to feel guilty when it comes to food and food choices—especially women. Women, for centuries, have been conditioned to believe that they are their bodies; that their worth, purpose, and beauty stems from their physical appearance and how “ideal” it is based on oppressive, unattainable, and unrealistic standards. Whether this guilt is instilled by diet culture and the diet industry, social media, religion, movies and TV, friends, family, and/or even our own selves, it has been fostered and cultivated for decades, and it ultimately traps us all. For some of us (such as those with EDs), this guilt becomes the driving force in our lives, directing our choices, habits, likes and dislikes, and especially our well-being and sense of self-worth. Gradually, as guilt hardens into shame, our confidence and love toward ourselves deteriorates. We become caught in an endless cycle of never feeling like we are good enough.
As a society, we continually shame each other for things that we need not be ashamed of. We place guilt upon each other’s and our own shoulders like a heavy backpack. The worst part is that most of us believe that this shame and guilt are justified and right. And this is a huge reason so many girls and women (and men and LGBTQ+ folks) refuse to accept that they are struggling with disordered eating. It’s why I refused to accept my eating disorder for so long. Because on some levels, we are told that our behaviors, our beliefs, and our choices are “normal.”
Being raised in a very devout religion, guilt was a constant companion of mine. I felt shame around my sexuality from a young age, and I became disgusted by my own body. Much of the guilt indoctrinated in me by religion contributed to my issues with disordered eating, body dysmorphia, and self-harm. This said, the ongoing struggle I face with guilt and shame has taken (and will continue to take) a long time to repair. But it doesn’t just mend on its own.
While in treatment, I discovered many tools and what we call “coping skills” to use in combatting and working through guilt. Though not every skill will help every person, this one helped me many times. One thing I like to do in order to weaken the power guilt has over me is to do something that brings me joy, makes me feel good, or distracts me in a positive way after I eat. This technique is called positive reinforcement. What is means is that essentially, by engaging in something that makes you feel good after doing something hard, uncomfortable, or guilt-inducing, you positively reinforce your previous behavior. An everyday example might include you going out for a walk after a study session in order to positively reinforce your work habits. By implementing this healthy behavior directly after you have done something difficult (but important), you subconsciously remind yourself that what you did was good for you, which thereby encourages you to do it again. My therapist and I worked on this coping skill a lot while in treatment. Maybe one night after having dinner and feeling overwhelmed by guilt, I would decide to sit down and watch a favorite movie of mine. Or perhaps I felt guilty after going out to dessert. I might choose to take a mindful walk to distract myself and feel more at ease.
Positive reinforcement is a wonderful tool because it counteracts the act of “compensating,” which so many patients feel they must do when faced with guilt. Guilt tells us that we did something “wrong,” so we immediately feel the need to “fix” or make up for our perceived mistake. Continually engaging in the process of compensation negatively reinforces behavior, which really is the biggest cheerleader for an eating disorder.
In my eyes, guilt is like a stealthy and sneaky snake that slithers in and bites you when it senses that you are vulnerable. It clings to reason that is often unreasonable and fallacious. Still, it is wildly clever and devious in how it manipulates you. The best way to confront our guilt is not with anger and ignorance, but with grace, compassion, and patience. Realize that guilt is a natural feeling, and there is nothing inherently wrong with you for feeling it, even if it is unjustified. For those with EDs, try surrounding yourself with people and messages that remind you that guilt regarding food is unnecessary; that you are allowed to nourish yourself, enjoy things, and listen to your inner cravings; that you are also allowed to slip up and feel regret for choices you have made, regardless of whether or not you did anything “wrong.” Because often what we are told is “wrong” is not always so.
As you continue to confront and work through guilt, you will discover what is worth feeling guilt about and what is not. You will realize that when it comes to food, eating, and exercise, guilt and shame are not needed—nor are they welcome. The first step is awareness: acquaint yourself with your guilt and try to understand its roots: where it comes from, what might have caused it, how it manifests itself in your mind and body, and what you can do to avoid letting it take control of you. Take away its power and it becomes nothing more than a broken compass that will take you nowhere—that you no longer need.
With Love,
Brinn W.
