In a Brown Study ~~~~~~

“Every passion borders on the chaotic, but the collector’s passion borders on the chaos of memories.”

— Walter Benjamin

---

Flashes of Nostalgic Fragments

Lavender cottage

tastes of cabbage-patch dolls

[age 2, 3….?]

Grandmother’s garden
breathing young yellow
violets, petunias, gerber daisies

[age 4?]

bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbb

*** my friends come in 3s ***

*** viola ***

*** petunia ***

*** gerbera ***

tabula rasa

an absence of preconceived ideas or predetermined goals

a clean slate

the human mind, especially at birth, viewed as having no innate ideas

“nostalgia for independent existence ... Modern man wishes to sleep close to the ground like an animal”

— theodor adorno, "minima moralia: reflections from a damaged life"

imprisoned passions…

burst through ramparts of blind language…

into the innermost cell of meaning, which resembles them

^ Theodor Adorno, Minima Moralia, “On parle français” (1949)

no nymphs

no cries no screams 
no ice no mold 
no sulk no rage

no wolves

gathering flowers so very delicate a girl

SAPPHO

1 2 3 | 4 5 | 6 | 7 8 | 9 10 11|12

13

she is conspicuous among Lydian women

as sometimes at sunset

the rosyfingered moon

surpasses all the stars. And her light

stretches over salt sea

equally and flowerdeep fields.

And the beautiful dew is poured out

and roses bloom and frail

chervil and flowering sweetclover.

But she goes back and forth remembering

gentle Atthis and in longing

she bites her tender mind

the one with violets in her lap

]mostly

]goes astray

^Sappho

une peau comme des écorces d'orange

des noyaux de fraise comme des pores

un sexe comme de la papaye

des figues comme des seins

“i’m out with lanterns, looking for myself”

— emily dickinson

In my coat closet I have lots of umbrellas. Umbrellas of all kinds, all varieties, all shapes and sizes. But on each end the handle curves up like a strong letter

U

haveUeverheldaflowerinthestringsofyourpalm?haveUcradledarosebetweenyourfingers?

haveUeverwatchedarivercoalesceintotheocean?haveUfeltatear’ssolitarymotion?

haveUeverpressedyourlipstoafrozenwindow?haveUcuppedyourhandswithrain?

haveUevercrawledbackintothewomb?haveUpicturedtheinsideofyourtomb?

what commitment what grace to just refuse to be alive

──═❁═──

what commitment what grace to just refuse to be alive ──═❁═──

sweetsoul.

sweetheart.

The Hero

my girl sweetvoiced,

You who sings in tunes mingled with all kinds of colors,

with you I fall into darkness safely,
and on the eyes
black sleep of night
rests gracefully…

To

The Chained Woman

my darling one,

with what eyes?

in a sky clothed in all but the darkest hues,
and of all stars the most beautiful,
it is You.

from “Love Is A Parallax” by SP

So we could rave on, darling, you and I,

until the stars tick out a lullaby

about each cosmic pro and con;

nothing changes, for all the blazing of

our drastic jargon, but clock hands that move

implacably from twelve to one.

the dots look like stars…

no wonder Eve wanted a taste

her feather touch

her feather touch

her softly stabbing eyes

her softly stabbing eyes

the heartbreaking bloom of desire that she was

the heartbreaking bloom of desire that she was

~ sylvia plath
from karen v. kukil’s presentation “The Bell Jar at 50” (2013) at smith college

PINKORANGEBLUSHTANGERINE________

ROSEGOLD

B&W

Brain and Body made congruent with Beauty

when i was younger, younger and dumber ❁ built like a flower

❁

when i was younger, younger and dumber ❁ built like a flower ❁

Barthes

1 Night
2 Union
3 Atopos
4 Nuages
5 Compassion
6 Écrire

estar a oscuras

estoy a oscuras

en sa moitié, ma moitié je recolle.

[(sa)moitié(ma)moitié]

“I divine that the true site of originality and strength is neither the other nor myself, but our relation itself.”

atopos

(Barthes 35)

(Barthes 170)

Compassion: a union within suffering

Delicacy: suffering with the other, but without pressure, without losing myself

(Barthes 57)

a little reality

(he can scarcely sketch her silhouette, which is precisely the thing about her that first captivated him)
(Barthes 97)

“the perfume that the message leaves behind”

“a flash of skin between shirt and pants”

“a trace of lipstick traveling too far outside the outline of the lip”

*all quotes extracted from A Lover’s Discourse, by Roland Barthes

“A mandarin fell in love with a courtesan. ‘I shall be yours,’ she told him, ‘when you have spent a hundred nights waiting for me, sitting on a stool, in my garden, beneath my window.’ But on the ninety-ninth night, the mandarin stood up, put his stool under his arm, and went away.”

~ from A Lover’s Discourse, “Waiting,” fragment 6, by Roland Barthes

the world is this raging inferno and my random, obscure, inexplicable issues are tiny smithereens that were never really part of the fire, but were nevertheless born out of it.

i'm medicating. i'm menstruating. meanwhile, the days go masquerading by like those same little smithereens of fire dust.

i'm in love and most days my life revolves around the sun, which is my lover.

i want thorough exploration and discovery of what i do not even comprehend, through an intimacy that is bare-boned intimacy.

WOE or WELL-BEING

“sometimes I have a craving to be [+a fear of being-] engulfed…
I am suffering (from some incident). The notion of suicide occurs to me, pure of any resentment…
an insipid notion; it alters nothing…
matches the color (the silence, the desolation) of this morning”

(Barthes 11).

finish.

1.

bring (a task or activity) to an end; complete.

2.

complete the manufacture or decoration of (a material, object, or place) by giving it an attractive surface appearance.

3.

prepare (a girl) for entry into fashionable society.

The blue seems eternal; ~ VW

“You might want to dilute it and swim in it, you might want to rouge your nipples with it, you might want to paint a virgin’s robe with it. But still you wouldn’t be accessing the blue of it.”

— maggie nelson, "bluets"

a membrane

‘a pebble in water’

suddenly blooming

baby-shit yellow showers

decent, industrial blue

white winter light

The blue was beating.

(Nelson 9)

aka THE BEST FILM I HAVE EVER SEEN

“I wept until I aged myself. I watched it happen in the mirror. I watched the lines arrive around my eyes like engraved sunbursts; it was like watching flowers open in time-lapse on a windowsill. The tears not only aged my face, they also changed its texture, turned the skin of my cheeks into putty. I recognized this as a rite of decadence, but I did not know how to stop it” (Nelson 34).

SATURATION — why doesn’t it evoke satisfaction?

~ Nelson

^ Les Bluets, Joan Mitchell (1973)

francesca woodman

Blueprint for a Temple (II)

1980

“Modesty is a principle that will help keep us safely on the covenant path as we progress to the presence of God. Modesty in dress and appearance and in thought and behavior will help prepare us to make and keep sacred temple covenants. To bless and protect Adam and Eve, God gave them coats of skins to clothe them before sending them out of the garden. In like manner, God has given us a covering of covenants in mortality, symbolized by our sacred temple garments” - from the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (aka Mormons)

Modesty, Modesty, Modesty, Modesty

modesty, modesty, modesty, modesty

modestymodestymodestymodesty

modestymodestymodestymodestymodestymodestymodestyymostynmoedsetmodywenbedtsnfeaufojnwrixug4IU2LFWAHENIO;U589
STFU

francesca woodman

Self Portrait

1976

“writing that is not about driving home a point but about providing detail, background, setting the scene…”

~ Moyra Davey, Index Cards

Let us set the scene in the

now

Life is the song, death is the bassline—festooned in sweat and grief, we keep dancing

~ Savannah Shange

from Christina Sharpe’s Ordinary Notes

an unending beat

a rhizome

still life

I am I am I am

Brinn W.